#Food, #Sex, and the Kitchen

It’s often said that the biggest causes of divorce are sex, money, and “the kids.” I would argue that a bigger cause of dissention is food (and the kitchen). In continuing this blog series – and the pre-cursor to a book based on these columns – let’s tackle this divisive issue between men and women!

There really can’t be any discussion of the kitchen without some acknowledgment of cleaning habits IN the kitchen and that is probably where the dissention begins and ends. After all, most men don’t understand “cleaning” a sink or why dishes left in the sink need to be cleaned until you’ve run out of clean ones? Hello!

Okay, enough of that detour. Let’s go back to men and women and their food and kitchen habits and do so in my usual format of a list, alternating between men and women and in no order of relevance other than what pops into my mind first:

~~ The five-second rule really isn’t something we guys comprehend. If a perfectly good French fry should happen to fall to the ground, we will wrestle the dog for it even if it’s longer than five-seconds!

~~ Women clean as they cook. Men don’t understand this. Cooking and cleaning are unrelated as far as we can tell.

~~ Food is for eating. So, when there’s a party about to happen in the house and food is OUT in the open, men will GO FOR IT. What’s the problem with that?

~~ As far as women are concerned, men can do one thing – turn on the grill. Most women let their men delude themselves that he knows how to grill. Behind the scenes, their women have marinated and seasoned everything going on the grill and the women are checking to be sure the guys don’t burn it all.

~~ Men like all things alcohol. The bigger the glass, the better too! Women like delicate drinks with cute names and tend to like sweet wines or white wine only. If there’s a blender, most guys will put any alcohol they have in it and be really happy. Maybe a banana and some ice might also go in. Only James Bond cares if it’s stirred, not shaken.

~~ Women can eat a bite or two of dessert. Men don’t understand this thinking at all. Hello? That cake should be finished! What, you’re leaving some Ben and Jerry’s in the cartoon? Oh, and speaking of ice cream, guys like eating it out of the cartoon. Why get a bowl dirty, let alone waste the time?

~~ The way to load a dishwasher – for men – is simple. Cram it in however and wherever it fits.

~~ Women believe there’s a difference between the top and bottom drawers of a dishwasher and that plastic belongs in one of them (I don’t remember which) and that utensils should be up or down (again, I don’t remember which one).

~~ Speaking of dishes, men don’t understand why ANY dish should cost for than a buck or two? Oh, and you have to hand-dry them? What’s with that?

~~ Women can salivate over a beautiful set of silver or place setting. Men will salivate over the women salivating over the silver or place setting. And, men don’t even understand the concept of “silver” when it comes to knives and forks. A good knife – for chopping – and a good ax – for chopping, we may understand. But one set of silver for several hundred dollars? Excuse me? We can buy a new TV with that amount of dough!

~~ My dad was the perfect husband. He didn’t understand why, but he dutifully polished all the sterling silver.

~~ As far as sex and this column, there’s no real reason for its inclusion in the title except to titillate. I love that word. Well, women do like chocolate and there’s a reason it’s THE gift for Valentine’s Day. And, now we know that there are healthful benefits of chocolate so men – Pay Attention – and get your ladies some chocolate. You might get lucky.

~~ Ladies, the old cliché that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is a cliché for a good reason – it’s true. And ladies, I know you read everything about food and know every new supplement and new warning about what is good or bad for you. For the sake of your relationships, relax with that stuff when your guy is drinking a beer or eating a rack of ribs.

Except for newlyweds and some youngins, sex is an activity that may occur once or twice a week, maybe more frequently or less, but eating tends to occur two to three times a day. Consequently, pay attention to what you eat, how anal you are about your eating habits, and cut us guys some slack here and there…

Having Sex In The Kitchen

There’s no doubt that there’s something sensual about cooking: between the aphrodisiac foods and smells and the thrill of creating something together with your hands and fire, the kitchen isn’t just a place to grab your meal and go. In fact, according to a recent study in the United Kingdom, apart from the bedroom, couples rated the kitchen as the hottest place to get it on indoors. But what is it, exactly, that’s so hot about having sex near your dirty dishes, the hot eye of a stove and your buzzing refrigerator. As experts describe: a lot of things.

“Sex in the kitchen is a wonderful alternative to the bedroom or living room as the feel and vibe is so different! Rather than comfy blankets and pillows, the kitchen as a wide variety of ‘staging platforms’ for pretty much any position you and your lover enjoy,” sex expert says. “Another spicy benefit is most kitchens don’t have curtains or blinds that can be drawn, so it brings in an element of possible exhibitionism in the event your lawn guy shows up and might spot you in the throes of passion! The chances of this are pretty low, but it does add an element of kinky to the experience.”

So if you’re going to try and get-it-on before you make dinner (or after for dessert), what are some ways to have crazy hot sex in the kitchen? Here, the experts give their best tips for a spicy ‘dining’ experience for two:

1. Set The Scene

Hopefully we don’t need to tell you that knives and sex don’t go together, but just in case — make sure to clean your kitchen before you start doing anything kinky on the counters. Stow away any cutlery, wash the dishes and load the dishwasher, make sure all of the burners on the stove are cool, and probably most importantly, wipe down the counters. While it doesn’t seem likely, there are certain spices, foods and condiments that could not only make you break out in a rash, but cause physical pain if they get in touch with your super sensitive skin or hers. For example jalapeños or other spicy peppers, which have sent kinky couples to the emergency room many times before.

2. Use Food In Your Foreplay

While some ingredients aren’t right for the recipe to crazy hot kitchen sex, other ones are. Since what’s turning you on is partly the sensuality of cooking and being in the kitchen, don’t be afraid to incorporate a little sexy food into your foreplay. It might seem cliche, but there’s a reason the whipped cream bikini from Varsity Blues is such a memorable scene (and uh, visual image for you): It’s hot. Go with the dessert theme because it’ll keep both of your breaths the freshest. From strawberries and blueberries to honey and chocolate, put it anywhere you want to lick and any place you want her to suck. Don’t worry about the clean-up or the mess, that’ll come post-orgasm (and hey, might even lead you to shower sex, too).

3. Sit Her Up On The Counter

Expert says one of the best parts of getting down in the kitchen is making use of the space. It can sometimes be hard to hold your girl up with her legs wrapped around, but luckily for you, the kitchen counter supports the weight for you. Get down on your knees and go down on her before you stand up and start penetrating her. “This is not only very hot from a visual and eye connection viewpoint, but gives you a great deal of control of the speed and depth of penetration,” expert explains. Because you don’t have to worry about holding her up, she can lean back and really let you pound hard, and if you want, you can start stimulating her clit during thrusts. (Or maybe she’ll be turned on so much that she does it herself.)

4. Bend Her Over The Counter

Because most kitchen counters are made to hit you right above your hip level (making it easier for you to chop and dice before cooking up a storm) – – the height is ideal for some doggy style. “This is a wonderful position for deep penetration and enthusiastic sex and everything is nice and stable and easy to hang on to!,” expert says. Because kitchen counters aren’t exactly comfortable, be mindful that you don’t pump so hard into her that it hurts her hips. You can take breaks from intercourse and go to oral sex, with her on her knees in front of the kitchen sink or you scooping her up again to go down on her. This will make sure that you don’t get uncomfortable while you’re trying to orgasm.

5. Use The Tools You Have

That spatula isn’t just for flipping pancakes. Expert suggests having an open mind about what could be used as a dirty addition to your sexual experience in the kitchen while you’re getting frisky. The sprayer you use to clean off dishes could be an interesting sensation on your lady’s clitoris after you have doggy style for a while or after you perform oral sex on her. Or that wet dish cloth rolled up could be a fun way to spank each other if you want to take up the naughty factor a notch. As long as it’s safe and won’t cause either of you too much physical pain, why not give it a go?

6. Create Visuals For Later

If you live with your girlfriend or wife, another perk of hot kitchen sex is the memories that it makes. Not only are you christening every room of your house, but the next time you’re sitting down to have a meal, you both might find yourself pleasantly smirking at what you did right on that same table a few days before. “If your kitchen has a table or eating nook, have sex seated in the chair your lover usually sits in,” expert suggests. “This not only provides a nice stable base for you to mount your man from above, but also gives you some pleasant visual memories next time you are sitting down to breakfast together.”

7. Be Spontaneous

Sure you don’t want to do anything too dangerous, but if you see your girlfriend cooking something in the kitchen and it turns you on, why not see if she’s up for some spontaneous sex instead of sautéing veggies? “When your lover is busy prepping dinner, try quietly sneaking up behind her, put your arms around her waist, rub her breasts and see if she is open to having sex right there over the partially sliced zucchini!,” expert says. “Although she just might protest and ask you to wait for later, you will be surprised how hot and erotic this can be if she puts the paring knife down and opens up to your for sex in the kitchen right then and there!”

8. Keep It Quick

Expert also suggests that you wrap your mind around the fact that the actual sex in the kitchen should be quick. “As most kitchens do not have much in the way of cushioned surfaces, too long in any one position can take its toll on your elbows, knees and bottom,” she explains. “But, by keeping each position somewhat brief, that avoids that problem.”

Looking for Sex? Get in the Kitchen

To show your lady love how just how much you care, get her fresh flowers, pour her a glass of wine, and serve her Miso Horny Cod. So says Spencer Walker, author of “Cook To Bang: The Lay Cook’s Guide to Getting Laid” (St. Martin’s Press).

Eye-on-the prize cooking is nothing new as his helpful chapter “Cooking to Bang Through History” points out. And it goes both ways. Glamour Magazine’s Engagement Chicken is a roast chicken recipe that an editorial assistant made for her boyfriend that resulted him in popping the question. Another assistant tried it and wham-o!, Her guy put a ring on it, too. Walker’s take, Roasted Chicken Rubdown, is similarly goal-oriented. Just with a different goal.

In terms of maturity, insight and sensitivity, “Cook To Bang” reads as if the guys from 40-Year-Old Virgin wrote it minus the sad, bag-of-sand guy. It’s part cookbook, part seduction manual with advice on food pairings, cocktails, music and aphrodisiacs. The “Sexual Profiling” chapter identifies and illustrates female archetypes, i.e., “Hippie Harlots,” “Holy Hotties” and “Sororiteases,” providing recipes customized to appeal to each type. “A hipster you find at an Indie rock show will have vastly different tastes than a redneck you meet at church,” Walker writes.

Some critics find the book anti-women and anti-feminist, but – writing from the point of view of a woman – it’s no more anti-women than most female-oriented magazines are anti-men. Walker writes of women in the same language and tone that they often write of his gender. “Cook To Bang” is a primer that tells guys that the best, and perhaps only way for them to get a girl who is clearly out of their league is to cook for her. As it turns out, the recipes are simple, clear and actually good.

“Cooking becomes wooing out of necessity,” Walker says, when you can’t afford four-star restaurants and don’t look like Brad Pitt. This book levels the playing field. “I wrote it for the poorer, younger version of myself,” explains Walker who accurately describes himself as, “not a troll, not an Adonis, average, with a good personality.”

The screenwriter’s strike of ’07 and ’08 sidelined Walker’s children’s television career —he helped discover the popular Nickelodeon show, Ni Hao, Kai-lan. Like many of his colleagues, he found himself with no job, no income and, soon, no girlfriend. He created the Cook To Bang blog (500 recipes and counting) as a creative and culinary outlet. “I was pigeon-holed as a kids’ writer. People didn’t see me as anything else. I had always liked to cook,” he says. “And I really liked girls.

Walker loves girls as much as he loves food. He’s worked as a private chef and a caterer. His recipes reflect stints in Moroccan, Italian, French and Asian restaurant kitchens. Dishes like Stroke My Bananas Foster and Bust-a-Nut Squash Soup combine his love for cooking and his lust for women. Guys always want to score, says Walker. Cooking is simply the best way to do it as, “Women are always impressed with a guy that cooks.” At the very least, he says, they’ll remember you.

Walker says that a few basics will avert disaster:

Know your date’s preferences. Don’t serve steak tartar to a vegan, and ask about allergies. An ER visit to rid her of hives is a guaranteed buzz-kill.

Get comfortable with few go-to dishes so you’re relaxed. You’ll reek of desperation if you look like you’re working too hard.

Remember: Beer goes with Chinese food, wine does not. Ever.

Eat light: Pasta and meat can make your date feel bloated and gassy, which means “no sexy time.”

Stick with salads and fish. “Aphrodisiacs create nymphomaniacs,” he says. Aphrodisiacs are always high in vitamins, minerals and anti-oxidants and include avocados, chiles, ginger, rosemary, honey, cheese, chocolate, figs, oysters, pine nuts, strawberries and watermelons.

Walker practices what he preaches. He once made his cod for a girl who “was so far out of league that I had no business even thinking of her.” After her first bite, “she grabbed me and kissed me,” he swears. They dated for four months.

It works for non-cooks too, if you believe this endorsement from Andrew in Charlotte, NC on the back cover: “My game was so bad my friends thought I was gay. Girls always thought of me as the guy friend they could say anything to except, ‘I want to ride you like a pony.’”

Juvenile, but effective. Get Cook To Bang and saddle up.

5 Delicious Ways to Have an Orgasm in Your Kitchen

Spicy, hot, cooking puns aside, kitchens are sexy AF and have all kinds of handy elements right there waiting for you to find them. Here’s how:

1 The Deep Freeze

Your kitchen is basically a beginner S&M dungeon waiting to happen. Affix your partner to the fridge handles using plastic wrap around their wrists. Try a smart smack on their butt with a spatula, and slide an ice cube up the inner thigh or down the back. If y’all are brave, yes, you can use chip clips as nipple clamps. Make a pact to never speak of it again next time you open up a bag of Doritos.

2 The Banana Split

Sit his ass on a bar stool in the middle of the kitchen with his back to the counter so he doesn’t see all his future garnishes, aka whatever food substance you’d enjoy dripping, drizzling, or licking off his penis. This will get messy, but better in the kitchen than on your sheets, right? Put an old towel down first if the mess is just not worth the reward. He should def return the favor with the topping of your choosing — just keep sugary stuff from getting inside you.

3 The Special Order

Try a sitting reverse cowgirl with him propped up in a chair facing the counter. This delivers super-deep penetration, plus you can use the counter for leverage to get your hips exactly where you want them. And a reach-around by him would be a lovely way to tip.

4 Counting on You

The kitchen really has the most convenient sex furniture of any room. Solve the problem with most standing positions (nothing to hold on to, difficult access) by trying it in a corner where two cabinets meet (if your kitchen doesn’t have this, sorry. Maybe move.) Park your butt in the corner and open a lower cabinet so you have something to prop your foot on. There’s plenty of counter space for you to hold on to, which is good, because you’ll need it.

5 Dine and Dash

What is it about cooking that makes the other person want to come up behind and nuzzle the chef’s neck? If you want to lean all the way in to this fantasy, try wearing an apron and nothing else. If you, like me, don’t really “cook” per se, mixing drinks, unpacking take out containers, etc. definitely counts. If they don’t get the idea in about two seconds, bend over the counter and they’ll figure it out. Rear-entry positions are A+ for you because they allow you both easy access to stimulate your clit, thank you v. much.

Does a clean kitchen lead to more sex? The art of ‘chore-play’

Want to get lucky tonight, Guys? Then perhaps you should reach for a bottle of Windex before you reach for her body. No, I’m not suggesting anything kinky. In fact, the concept of “choreplay”—that women are more likely to want to have sex when their male partner helps out around the house—is a hot topic in research circles:

  • One recent study from the University of Western Ontario, for example, found that wives are happier when their husbands pitch in with housework.
  • Another report from researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago even suggests men who help clean, take care of their kids, and do other domestic chores may see the benefits of their labor pay off in the bedroom.

Our experts at Good in Bed agree: “When we first started talking about the sex–chore connection, my husband was offended,” admits Heidi Raykeil. “To him, it felt a little as if I was withholding sex unless he was a ‘good boy’ and did his chores. But if I’m in the mood and the kitchen’s a mess—Errrt! Mental brake screech. My head is suddenly filled with dirty dishes and duties, instead of sex. For me, choreplay just helps a potentially hot situation stay that way.”

The “mental brake screech” Heidi describes is actually backed by science: Researchers in the Netherlands found that “the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety.” In a study in which the brains of men and women were scanned during the process of sexual response using a technique called positron emission tomography (PET), the results showed that the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion reduce during sexual activity.

Men showed far less change in these areas of the brain. Says Dr. Gert Holstege, “What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm.” So what’s the lesson? If you want to turn a woman on, the key is to help her turn off—turn off her brain, that is—and that means helping her not worry: like about all the chores that still need to be done.

Of course, it’s tough for a woman to chill out when she comes home from one job, only to be burdened by a “second shift” of cleaning, cooking, and chaos. In that scenario, sex is just one more task on her to-do list. The goal of choreplay: to move sex to the top of that list by helping her cross off some of the less scintillating items.

Men aren’t mind readers, but most of us are aware enough to notice when the sink is full of dirty dishes or the garbage is overflowing. Once guys start carrying our weight around the house, we’re apt to find that women have more energy in the bedroom. There’s no motivation like sex! And for all of you guys out there who are already doing your share of the housework, more power to you.

But choreplay isn’t just about chores, says Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University and sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute. “It’s very important not to get into a ‘bartering’ system or even to see it as a man ‘helping his wife’ with chores,” she warns. “Household chores and parenting are shared responsibilities that researchers have generally found women spend more time on than men. When couples have a more equal partnership, they do tend to have more satisfying sex lives.”

In my own life, I’ve noticed that when I take the time to really play with my kids, my wife finds me sexier—and my chances of sex improve. Of course, playing with my kids isn’t a chore, but it’s interesting how all the stuff outside the bedroom can make or break what happens inside.

Says Good in Bed expert, Kristen Mark, “ One of the reasons many women get turned on by these out-of-bedroom acts is because they demonstrate caring in a different way. If it becomes clear that the act is being done as a means to get sex, it can become a turn OFF. So, do these things as a way to help out, not as a way to get sex….and sex just might end up being a bonus!”

That said, time to go clean up my house and play with the kids.

5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life in the Kitchen

So, you’re having sex in the kitchen, huh? Kinky boots! Even if you’re not, now’s as good a time as any to try it out. Why?

The colder weather is coming, (time to move things inside dude), and a busy start to the school year may have put too much laundry on the bed. You might not be able to find it. Add to that the fact that variety is the spice of life, and well, why not?

That being said, getting it on where you bake your cake can be tricky.

Here are 5 ways you can make sex in the kitchen even better than the real thing:

1) Bring in Yoga Mats and Couch Cushions

While it can be sexy to be someplace new in the nude, cold tiles and crisp counters are the anti-dote to great sex.

A study done in the Netherlands and led by Gray Hunch, M.D., Ph.D., chairman of the center for uroneurology at the University of Groningen found this out.

Details? Just 50% of participants having sex in a drafty room in this weird but wonderful study were able to climax without socks on. When everyone got a cozy pair of cotton, that percentage jumped. It went all the way up to 80%.

Apparently, wearing socks calmed the amygdala and prefrontal cortex- the areas of the brain responsible for feelings of anxiety, danger and fear. This, in turn, allowed for orgasm.

So, it might not be the hum of that fridge that’s keeping you from amazing kitchen climax. Maybe it’s the tiles.

2) Turn on those Bright Lights

This one is good for the men. Bright lighting might feel unromantic, but a study out of the European College of Neuropsychopharmacology (ECNP) indicates that exposure to bright lights increases testosterone levels. It can increase sexual satisfaction in men with low sex drives, and turn on latent desire.

3) Grab Some Water and Stay Hydrated

It’s easy to grab a fresh glass of water when the tap is in front of you. Which is good- because being well hydrated boosts blood volume and experts say this could be related to treating erectile dysfunction.

Drinking water could also take away those libido crushing headaches.

4) Get Tasty

Engage all your senses with delicious treats that get both of you involved. Yes, there are strawberry, chocolate and banana flavored condoms. Why not go for the real thing, though?

Partners can easily add food to sex in the kitchen. Expert suggests you hold the savory and spicy as it can burn your skin, and go for sweet with fruit and candy.

5) Go For the Counter Top

When a woman lays back on something like the counter top, the man can penetrate her while standing in front. Sex expert Margaret Wagner says this is an all round winner. This way there are more chances for your guy to stimulate the anterior vaginal wall, (the one that lines up with your hand on your stomach), and to reach those things that feel wonderful.

For guys, this position has control and deep penetration.

Finally, what does great sex have do with your overall health? A lot. Healthy relationships, emotional well being and better quality of life all come into play.