#Food, #Sex, and the Kitchen

It’s often said that the biggest causes of divorce are sex, money, and “the kids.” I would argue that a bigger cause of dissention is food (and the kitchen). In continuing this blog series – and the pre-cursor to a book based on these columns – let’s tackle this divisive issue between men and women!

There really can’t be any discussion of the kitchen without some acknowledgment of cleaning habits IN the kitchen and that is probably where the dissention begins and ends. After all, most men don’t understand “cleaning” a sink or why dishes left in the sink need to be cleaned until you’ve run out of clean ones? Hello!

Okay, enough of that detour. Let’s go back to men and women and their food and kitchen habits and do so in my usual format of a list, alternating between men and women and in no order of relevance other than what pops into my mind first:

~~ The five-second rule really isn’t something we guys comprehend. If a perfectly good French fry should happen to fall to the ground, we will wrestle the dog for it even if it’s longer than five-seconds!

~~ Women clean as they cook. Men don’t understand this. Cooking and cleaning are unrelated as far as we can tell.

~~ Food is for eating. So, when there’s a party about to happen in the house and food is OUT in the open, men will GO FOR IT. What’s the problem with that?

~~ As far as women are concerned, men can do one thing – turn on the grill. Most women let their men delude themselves that he knows how to grill. Behind the scenes, their women have marinated and seasoned everything going on the grill and the women are checking to be sure the guys don’t burn it all.

~~ Men like all things alcohol. The bigger the glass, the better too! Women like delicate drinks with cute names and tend to like sweet wines or white wine only. If there’s a blender, most guys will put any alcohol they have in it and be really happy. Maybe a banana and some ice might also go in. Only James Bond cares if it’s stirred, not shaken.

~~ Women can eat a bite or two of dessert. Men don’t understand this thinking at all. Hello? That cake should be finished! What, you’re leaving some Ben and Jerry’s in the cartoon? Oh, and speaking of ice cream, guys like eating it out of the cartoon. Why get a bowl dirty, let alone waste the time?

~~ The way to load a dishwasher – for men – is simple. Cram it in however and wherever it fits.

~~ Women believe there’s a difference between the top and bottom drawers of a dishwasher and that plastic belongs in one of them (I don’t remember which) and that utensils should be up or down (again, I don’t remember which one).

~~ Speaking of dishes, men don’t understand why ANY dish should cost for than a buck or two? Oh, and you have to hand-dry them? What’s with that?

~~ Women can salivate over a beautiful set of silver or place setting. Men will salivate over the women salivating over the silver or place setting. And, men don’t even understand the concept of “silver” when it comes to knives and forks. A good knife – for chopping – and a good ax – for chopping, we may understand. But one set of silver for several hundred dollars? Excuse me? We can buy a new TV with that amount of dough!

~~ My dad was the perfect husband. He didn’t understand why, but he dutifully polished all the sterling silver.

~~ As far as sex and this column, there’s no real reason for its inclusion in the title except to titillate. I love that word. Well, women do like chocolate and there’s a reason it’s THE gift for Valentine’s Day. And, now we know that there are healthful benefits of chocolate so men – Pay Attention – and get your ladies some chocolate. You might get lucky.

~~ Ladies, the old cliché that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is a cliché for a good reason – it’s true. And ladies, I know you read everything about food and know every new supplement and new warning about what is good or bad for you. For the sake of your relationships, relax with that stuff when your guy is drinking a beer or eating a rack of ribs.

Except for newlyweds and some youngins, sex is an activity that may occur once or twice a week, maybe more frequently or less, but eating tends to occur two to three times a day. Consequently, pay attention to what you eat, how anal you are about your eating habits, and cut us guys some slack here and there…

Having Sex In The Kitchen

There’s no doubt that there’s something sensual about cooking: between the aphrodisiac foods and smells and the thrill of creating something together with your hands and fire, the kitchen isn’t just a place to grab your meal and go. In fact, according to a recent study in the United Kingdom, apart from the bedroom, couples rated the kitchen as the hottest place to get it on indoors. But what is it, exactly, that’s so hot about having sex near your dirty dishes, the hot eye of a stove and your buzzing refrigerator. As experts describe: a lot of things.

“Sex in the kitchen is a wonderful alternative to the bedroom or living room as the feel and vibe is so different! Rather than comfy blankets and pillows, the kitchen as a wide variety of ‘staging platforms’ for pretty much any position you and your lover enjoy,” sex expert says. “Another spicy benefit is most kitchens don’t have curtains or blinds that can be drawn, so it brings in an element of possible exhibitionism in the event your lawn guy shows up and might spot you in the throes of passion! The chances of this are pretty low, but it does add an element of kinky to the experience.”

So if you’re going to try and get-it-on before you make dinner (or after for dessert), what are some ways to have crazy hot sex in the kitchen? Here, the experts give their best tips for a spicy ‘dining’ experience for two:

1. Set The Scene

Hopefully we don’t need to tell you that knives and sex don’t go together, but just in case — make sure to clean your kitchen before you start doing anything kinky on the counters. Stow away any cutlery, wash the dishes and load the dishwasher, make sure all of the burners on the stove are cool, and probably most importantly, wipe down the counters. While it doesn’t seem likely, there are certain spices, foods and condiments that could not only make you break out in a rash, but cause physical pain if they get in touch with your super sensitive skin or hers. For example jalapeños or other spicy peppers, which have sent kinky couples to the emergency room many times before.

2. Use Food In Your Foreplay

While some ingredients aren’t right for the recipe to crazy hot kitchen sex, other ones are. Since what’s turning you on is partly the sensuality of cooking and being in the kitchen, don’t be afraid to incorporate a little sexy food into your foreplay. It might seem cliche, but there’s a reason the whipped cream bikini from Varsity Blues is such a memorable scene (and uh, visual image for you): It’s hot. Go with the dessert theme because it’ll keep both of your breaths the freshest. From strawberries and blueberries to honey and chocolate, put it anywhere you want to lick and any place you want her to suck. Don’t worry about the clean-up or the mess, that’ll come post-orgasm (and hey, might even lead you to shower sex, too).

3. Sit Her Up On The Counter

Expert says one of the best parts of getting down in the kitchen is making use of the space. It can sometimes be hard to hold your girl up with her legs wrapped around, but luckily for you, the kitchen counter supports the weight for you. Get down on your knees and go down on her before you stand up and start penetrating her. “This is not only very hot from a visual and eye connection viewpoint, but gives you a great deal of control of the speed and depth of penetration,” expert explains. Because you don’t have to worry about holding her up, she can lean back and really let you pound hard, and if you want, you can start stimulating her clit during thrusts. (Or maybe she’ll be turned on so much that she does it herself.)

4. Bend Her Over The Counter

Because most kitchen counters are made to hit you right above your hip level (making it easier for you to chop and dice before cooking up a storm) – – the height is ideal for some doggy style. “This is a wonderful position for deep penetration and enthusiastic sex and everything is nice and stable and easy to hang on to!,” expert says. Because kitchen counters aren’t exactly comfortable, be mindful that you don’t pump so hard into her that it hurts her hips. You can take breaks from intercourse and go to oral sex, with her on her knees in front of the kitchen sink or you scooping her up again to go down on her. This will make sure that you don’t get uncomfortable while you’re trying to orgasm.

5. Use The Tools You Have

That spatula isn’t just for flipping pancakes. Expert suggests having an open mind about what could be used as a dirty addition to your sexual experience in the kitchen while you’re getting frisky. The sprayer you use to clean off dishes could be an interesting sensation on your lady’s clitoris after you have doggy style for a while or after you perform oral sex on her. Or that wet dish cloth rolled up could be a fun way to spank each other if you want to take up the naughty factor a notch. As long as it’s safe and won’t cause either of you too much physical pain, why not give it a go?

6. Create Visuals For Later

If you live with your girlfriend or wife, another perk of hot kitchen sex is the memories that it makes. Not only are you christening every room of your house, but the next time you’re sitting down to have a meal, you both might find yourself pleasantly smirking at what you did right on that same table a few days before. “If your kitchen has a table or eating nook, have sex seated in the chair your lover usually sits in,” expert suggests. “This not only provides a nice stable base for you to mount your man from above, but also gives you some pleasant visual memories next time you are sitting down to breakfast together.”

7. Be Spontaneous

Sure you don’t want to do anything too dangerous, but if you see your girlfriend cooking something in the kitchen and it turns you on, why not see if she’s up for some spontaneous sex instead of sautéing veggies? “When your lover is busy prepping dinner, try quietly sneaking up behind her, put your arms around her waist, rub her breasts and see if she is open to having sex right there over the partially sliced zucchini!,” expert says. “Although she just might protest and ask you to wait for later, you will be surprised how hot and erotic this can be if she puts the paring knife down and opens up to your for sex in the kitchen right then and there!”

8. Keep It Quick

Expert also suggests that you wrap your mind around the fact that the actual sex in the kitchen should be quick. “As most kitchens do not have much in the way of cushioned surfaces, too long in any one position can take its toll on your elbows, knees and bottom,” she explains. “But, by keeping each position somewhat brief, that avoids that problem.”