Looking for Sex? Get in the Kitchen

To show your lady love how just how much you care, get her fresh flowers, pour her a glass of wine, and serve her Miso Horny Cod. So says Spencer Walker, author of “Cook To Bang: The Lay Cook’s Guide to Getting Laid” (St. Martin’s Press).

Eye-on-the prize cooking is nothing new as his helpful chapter “Cooking to Bang Through History” points out. And it goes both ways. Glamour Magazine’s Engagement Chicken is a roast chicken recipe that an editorial assistant made for her boyfriend that resulted him in popping the question. Another assistant tried it and wham-o!, Her guy put a ring on it, too. Walker’s take, Roasted Chicken Rubdown, is similarly goal-oriented. Just with a different goal.

In terms of maturity, insight and sensitivity, “Cook To Bang” reads as if the guys from 40-Year-Old Virgin wrote it minus the sad, bag-of-sand guy. It’s part cookbook, part seduction manual with advice on food pairings, cocktails, music and aphrodisiacs. The “Sexual Profiling” chapter identifies and illustrates female archetypes, i.e., “Hippie Harlots,” “Holy Hotties” and “Sororiteases,” providing recipes customized to appeal to each type. “A hipster you find at an Indie rock show will have vastly different tastes than a redneck you meet at church,” Walker writes.

Some critics find the book anti-women and anti-feminist, but – writing from the point of view of a woman – it’s no more anti-women than most female-oriented magazines are anti-men. Walker writes of women in the same language and tone that they often write of his gender. “Cook To Bang” is a primer that tells guys that the best, and perhaps only way for them to get a girl who is clearly out of their league is to cook for her. As it turns out, the recipes are simple, clear and actually good.

“Cooking becomes wooing out of necessity,” Walker says, when you can’t afford four-star restaurants and don’t look like Brad Pitt. This book levels the playing field. “I wrote it for the poorer, younger version of myself,” explains Walker who accurately describes himself as, “not a troll, not an Adonis, average, with a good personality.”

The screenwriter’s strike of ’07 and ’08 sidelined Walker’s children’s television career —he helped discover the popular Nickelodeon show, Ni Hao, Kai-lan. Like many of his colleagues, he found himself with no job, no income and, soon, no girlfriend. He created the Cook To Bang blog (500 recipes and counting) as a creative and culinary outlet. “I was pigeon-holed as a kids’ writer. People didn’t see me as anything else. I had always liked to cook,” he says. “And I really liked girls.

Walker loves girls as much as he loves food. He’s worked as a private chef and a caterer. His recipes reflect stints in Moroccan, Italian, French and Asian restaurant kitchens. Dishes like Stroke My Bananas Foster and Bust-a-Nut Squash Soup combine his love for cooking and his lust for women. Guys always want to score, says Walker. Cooking is simply the best way to do it as, “Women are always impressed with a guy that cooks.” At the very least, he says, they’ll remember you.

Walker says that a few basics will avert disaster:

Know your date’s preferences. Don’t serve steak tartar to a vegan, and ask about allergies. An ER visit to rid her of hives is a guaranteed buzz-kill.

Get comfortable with few go-to dishes so you’re relaxed. You’ll reek of desperation if you look like you’re working too hard.

Remember: Beer goes with Chinese food, wine does not. Ever.

Eat light: Pasta and meat can make your date feel bloated and gassy, which means “no sexy time.”

Stick with salads and fish. “Aphrodisiacs create nymphomaniacs,” he says. Aphrodisiacs are always high in vitamins, minerals and anti-oxidants and include avocados, chiles, ginger, rosemary, honey, cheese, chocolate, figs, oysters, pine nuts, strawberries and watermelons.

Walker practices what he preaches. He once made his cod for a girl who “was so far out of league that I had no business even thinking of her.” After her first bite, “she grabbed me and kissed me,” he swears. They dated for four months.

It works for non-cooks too, if you believe this endorsement from Andrew in Charlotte, NC on the back cover: “My game was so bad my friends thought I was gay. Girls always thought of me as the guy friend they could say anything to except, ‘I want to ride you like a pony.’”

Juvenile, but effective. Get Cook To Bang and saddle up.

5 Delicious Ways to Have an Orgasm in Your Kitchen

Spicy, hot, cooking puns aside, kitchens are sexy AF and have all kinds of handy elements right there waiting for you to find them. Here’s how:

1 The Deep Freeze

Your kitchen is basically a beginner S&M dungeon waiting to happen. Affix your partner to the fridge handles using plastic wrap around their wrists. Try a smart smack on their butt with a spatula, and slide an ice cube up the inner thigh or down the back. If y’all are brave, yes, you can use chip clips as nipple clamps. Make a pact to never speak of it again next time you open up a bag of Doritos.

2 The Banana Split

Sit his ass on a bar stool in the middle of the kitchen with his back to the counter so he doesn’t see all his future garnishes, aka whatever food substance you’d enjoy dripping, drizzling, or licking off his penis. This will get messy, but better in the kitchen than on your sheets, right? Put an old towel down first if the mess is just not worth the reward. He should def return the favor with the topping of your choosing — just keep sugary stuff from getting inside you.

3 The Special Order

Try a sitting reverse cowgirl with him propped up in a chair facing the counter. This delivers super-deep penetration, plus you can use the counter for leverage to get your hips exactly where you want them. And a reach-around by him would be a lovely way to tip.

4 Counting on You

The kitchen really has the most convenient sex furniture of any room. Solve the problem with most standing positions (nothing to hold on to, difficult access) by trying it in a corner where two cabinets meet (if your kitchen doesn’t have this, sorry. Maybe move.) Park your butt in the corner and open a lower cabinet so you have something to prop your foot on. There’s plenty of counter space for you to hold on to, which is good, because you’ll need it.

5 Dine and Dash

What is it about cooking that makes the other person want to come up behind and nuzzle the chef’s neck? If you want to lean all the way in to this fantasy, try wearing an apron and nothing else. If you, like me, don’t really “cook” per se, mixing drinks, unpacking take out containers, etc. definitely counts. If they don’t get the idea in about two seconds, bend over the counter and they’ll figure it out. Rear-entry positions are A+ for you because they allow you both easy access to stimulate your clit, thank you v. much.